Anxiety

Let’s talk about something that makes most people uncomfortable: anxiety. It’s just one of the little demons that piggybacks onto depression and other issues of that nature. It will give you a false sense of security and just when you think you have a handle on it and know how to deal with it….BAM! It hits you again and you’re left crying at your desk at work.

At least, that’s how I handle it. I hate that I’m a crier. I cry when I’m frustrated or overwhelmed, mostly. It’s even worse when I am in a situation of negativity that I cannot escape from because of where I am. Example: work. I go through this horrible cycle where I get into a new job and I am excited and things are great and then after awhile I get comfortable and feel I am doing a good job and then all of a sudden my anxiety hits me and I constantly worry I am doing a horrible job, that I’m going to get fired, that everyone hates me, etc. And it never fails. Every time I am in work or school place for any longer than a few months it happens. And I hate it.

I honestly haven’t figured out a way to break the cycle, but I do hope to. I love change. I live for change. But I realized people change is comfortable to me. I have a bad habit of letting people in too much and too soon and then I get insecure. I wonder if a lot of this mentality is from growing up military. The people in my life changed very frequently so relationships were quick.

For me the worst part of having anxiety is feeling you have to justify it to other people. They view you as overly dramatic or unstable, when really it’s just that some days are harder than others. It’s hard for me to explain what happens when my anxiety takes over my rational side. It feels like I am trapped in a box with a dozen frantic birds all around me and I am the only one who can release them, but I don’t know how.

I have found methods of dealing with it and learning what triggers it so I can better avoid it, but sometimes you can’t. Sometimes you have weeks where you are constantly being yelled at, and you are overloaded with work and school and life, on top of everything else and you just have to break down. And I’ve learned that’s okay. It’s okay for me to cry. It’s okay for me to have a panic attack. But once I get through the storm of my attack, I need to breathe through it and get back to what I was doing and move on. Lingering was my enemy.

It’s hard. It’s very hard. Just ask anyone who suffers from depression or anxiety, or any other mental illness. Luckily the stigma is slowly changing, but if you do know someone who has these, please don’t automatically assume you know everything that’s going on and just try to be supportive.

Thanks for listening.