Empathy

I used to think I was bipolar. I would go from happy to angry or very sad so quickly without any reason and with little change in my environment. It has been that way since I can remember and it always confused and scared me. Then when I was told I had depression 7978478-heart-shape-of-daisy-in-a-meadow-symbol-of-love-for-the-nature-and-the-environment-stock-photoand anxiety, I figured that was just what caused it because those are both huge monsters that comes with other little emotions that like to piggy-back their way into your life.

It wasn’t until roughly five years ago I figured out that it was something much different, and slightly simpler than that. I am highly empathetic. When my therapist told me that I was confused and a little frustrated. I thought she was belittling my feelings. She explained to me that there are people who adapt to others’ emotions, usually subconsciously. Yes, everyone has empathy but I suppose there are people like me (sensitive people) who are extra aware of the output of human emotions around them. It would explain my increasing social anxiety. Often times if I am in a room full of people I randomly feel angry and sad and happy all at once, which then can send me into a panic and that’s not fun at all. Luckily I found the best way to avoid these situations is to really only be in group settings where I know the people and I know the general tone. No concerts for me.

When I was sitting in my therapist’s office, I thought she was crazy. It felt almost like hippie, shaman garbage. Don’t get me wrong, I’m into feeling the earth and a lot of weird natural things, but it just didn’t feel quite scientific. I voiced this to her and she actually laughed. She said to look at it from a sociological point of view. Humans have always been pack animals to an extent and with that comes the natural feeling of protecting one another. Often times people who are hyper empathetic had something tragic happen when they were young or have been around death frequently. I would agree with that and without going into too much detail, when I was in fifth grade a friend of mine was tragically lost. It affected me more than I thought, shaping how I viewed people and how I felt.

It’s hard sometimes. I’ve left places abruptly because I can feel sorrow and pain. I’ve randomly lashed out at other people because underneath the facade, the people I am around are angry about something. I am physically hurt when people I care about are upset. It’s an awful superpower and sometimes it makes me feel heavy. I feel heavy lately. I have so much happiness in my life but there is a lot of turmoil in those around me that I take on their pain. Would I have it any other way? Absolutely not. I don’t ever feel actively burdened by it; sometimes I just have to take a step back. Feeling other people’s emotions, whether good or bad, helps keep my own life and events in perspective.

Thanks for listening

 

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Strange Feelings

I have come to a point in my life where I am completely satisfied with where I am and who I am. I am also very happy with the people I have in my life. I really struck gold with my friends and family.  I can look at all of my friends and really feel lucky. They are all such high quality people who drive me and encourage me to keep moving forward.

That seems like a strange thing to notate, but it’s true. It took me a long time to find that balance. I now have many people in my life who understand anxiety, who understand that we are adults with busy lives and just because we can’t see each other or talk to each other all the time doesn’t mean the love is absent. It’s a very good feeling and I am happy to be in this place. However, that brought on a very strange feeling. Sometimes when I leave the company of very good friends I get sad. Not sad I am no longer around them, but just sad in general. I’ve spent the last year trying to find logic in that and I think I’ve finally landed on it.

I’m terrified of not being nearly as good a friend as they are.

The people in my life are very successful in many different ways, they are truly kind and compassionate people. They are intelligent. They are fun. They are family to me. I never have to worry about them letting me down or making me feel stupid for anything. I have the greatest support system ever and it’s kind of frightening. I know I am not perfect and I still have many obstacles to overcome, but I am worried that I will let them down. I am worried that I am annoying. These are very foolish thoughts, I realize, but they are still there.

I never feel at competition with them but rather I allow them to help propel me further into success. Whether it’s my schooling or my work or personal aspects of my life, at least someone in my friend group is giving me courage to move forward just by the way they live. I feel that is the how you know you are in a good place with people. But what if during my path of chasing my degree, my career, my marriage, and later my own family I forget to take care of them as they have me?  What if I am in ‘friend-love’ with them more then they are with me?

Growing up military made relationships a bit difficult as I would move or they would move just as a relationship was starting. I hold on dearly to those I have and sometimes I get worried they’ll ‘break up’ with me. It’s a silly thing, but it also made me realize just how important they are to me. Luckily, because they are such great people I don’t feel pressure from anyone at all except myself.

I count myself lucky that these are the kinds of concerns I have regarding relationships. I am very happy to be where I am and I hope those I hold dearest know how much they mean to me.

Thanks for listening!

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Humans are amazing

Have you ever stopped to think about that? Humans are really cool. There are so many things we can do that nothing else can! Most of what prevents us from doing it is our mind.

A year ago I made a blog post stating that I was chasing after a handstand and that I felt it was incredibly far away. Well, I am able to do it now! I got over my first mental block of being upside down! My current mental block on that pose currently is getting away from the wall. I KNOW I can. I have built the strength for it but I am afraid. But it will come soon. 🙂

Today I was able to TWO poses I never thought possible; bow pose and a back bend. I have never in my life been able to do a back bend. When I was a little kid I was very envious of the super flexible girls who could. Looking at it now I probably could have but fear once again prevailed. So now at 26 I have conquered that and it just happened. I have been practicing yoga at least three times a week for one and a half years and just over time certain things came naturally. I wasn’t even trying towards certain things but just overall wellness and clarity of mind.

Our minds often try to override greatness but once you let that go, success comes easier. For a long time I had trouble seeing myself getting a bachelor’s degree in science, though it was my desired path. I was always and English and Arts person. Both of which are still a huge part of me, but then I discovered my love for plants and the environment and wanted to do everything I could for that. I am now confident (most days) in my chosen field, but sometimes I still have to think of that awkward girl two years ago who decided on this path. But then my passion overrode my fear.

So many times we let that fear cloud prevent us from what we are meant to do and what makes us the happiest. I have learned to transfer that fear into energy to propel myself into my success and have found myself.

I wish you the same.

Thanks for listening!

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Storms Always Pass

No matter how hard you cling onto optimism, sometimes the rope just snaps. Luckily, I have plenty of people constantly helping me weave a new rope to climb back onto. It’s hard to fall nonetheless.

It’s beyond frustrating when you do everything you can, everything you should, and still things get tough. It’s even more frustrating then what you are trying to do is to make the world, or at least your community, better and you kind of get crapped on. What am I talking about? Mankind’s endless struggle with money. I wish it were not quite so important, but sadly it is. I would love for nothing more than to have the means to be content working 10-15 hours a week and go to school full time and not worry about my car payment or rent. But that is not my life; that was not my choice. I just hate feeling I cannot provide for myself.

Fortunately, money problems can be a temporary problem. It’s just that while you are in the midst of that problem tornado you feel completely lost and it consumes you. Soon enough I’ll land over the rainbow with all the munchkins and other weird stuff. Do I love my job? Absolutely. I love the people I work with, the day to day, all that I am learning. It’s honestly what I have always wanted. It’s just hitting me hard that I will not get the hours I was initially promised. Landon said it will all work out and will be worth it in the end. He’s so great.

My true nature is that of a pessimistic person so it is nice that I have finally surrounded myself with optimistic, compassionate people. When the depression monster creeps in I have them to sit with me and keep me from a dark path. And it’s worked. I haven’t been on medication in four years and I have been doing well. So I just have to remember that a month from now my situation will be different; lighter. And if it is not then at the very least I still have Landon, my puppy, my friends, and my family.

Stay tuned for a sunnier post, my friends.

 

 

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Stitch Fix Review!

I swear this won’t become a subscription box blog!!!! I am just really excited about these and to learn how to redress myself as an adult who also is much more muscular than I am used to. It’s been both great and stressful learning  how to dress myself since I started weight lifting. Luckily, I am no longer stuck on the numbers on the scale!

Anywho, for those who do not know, Stitch Fix is another styling box where you pay a $25 styling fee and you fill out an assessment. They pair you with a stylist and when you are ready you can request a box, or get them sent automatically. You get 5 items sent to you, you try them on, and then you send back in a prepaid package what you do not want. The nice thing is the styling fee is included in whatever you purchase. (You buy a $30 scarf and only pay $5) It’s really nice! Plus, the clothes are super comfortable and high quality. The best part? No dressing room tears!!

Shameless plug of my referral link!

Here is my review!!

Styling card:

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I loooved this scarf I received! I am a big sucker for them anyways and it’s a really nice neutral! Definitely a keeper!

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So, I really loved this outfit. The shirt is really soft and slightly stretchy and it just looks great! The jeans are nice  and a good staple. Unfortunately, I already have a similar shirt and the jeans are a tad tight on the waistband so I had to pass on both.

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I looooove this jacket!! It’s soo cute and comfortable and would be a perfect weather transition jacket! It even has a hood!!! Unfortunately, I have to pass on this as I just purchased my wedding dress (!!!!!). I will definitely request it again in the future, though!

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This is probably the only thing I didn’t like in this box. It’s not flattering at all and it doesn’t feel like me at all.

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So, this box really is a 4/5 but since I just bought my wedding dress I couldn’t justify spending the money on the stuff. I did keep the scarf because after my styling fee it was only $8! My stylist is really awesome and I cannot wait to order my next box!!!

Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

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Spring Fever!

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This time of year sucks. I mean, other than it’s around my anniversary and my birthday, it’s awful. I start getting all of my gardening magazines and seed catalogs in the mail. I torture myself by pinning a billions flowers only to look outside and see everything is still asleep. Suffice to say I get terrible spring fever. It hits me harder than my annual strep throat in December. Seriously, I have a problem.

I am fortunate that we are renting a home whose landlord is okay with me having a little garden party on the lot. A day before we got our keys I fixed up our flowerbeds in the front yard and planted flowers. It was nice. Landon thought I was a bit ridiculous for caring more about the land than the actual house buuuut I know he likes that our yard is pretty. 🙂 I am also very fortunate that our backyard already had a (mostly) established garden bed in the backyard. The downside of all that is in the winter months I have all of this staring at me and I can’t do anything.

Once Christmas passes my spring fever hits me in the face and my depression creeps up. My plants are one of the things that keep me going and from January to March I don’t have it. Landon is great and goes with me to a billion flower nurseries, which does help. Have you ever smelled fresh soil in a greenhouse when they first plant seedlings? It’s sooo great. (I sound crazy, I know). This year it’s become so much worse for no reason at all. I think it’s because I have a lot I’m doing right now and I haaateee anticipation. It’s the worst part of life as well as roller coasters. I’m planning my wedding, working on a big project for work, going to school full time, as well as trying to remain a normal human being. Normally when I am overwhelmed I’ll retreat to my garden but since that is not possible right now I am feel lost. Yes, I have yoga and that helps a lot, but that’s still a new part of me. I’ve always had my plants.

Depression is weird. It’s been a part of me for a very long time and I have learned to harness it. My anxiety makes sense to me and is sort of always there but my depression creeps up on me randomly and I don’t know what to do. For now, I’ll just wait until springs comes and the world becomes green again.

Thanks for reading!

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Trunk Club Review!

So, I have never done a review before but I thought it may be fun. For those of you who do not know, Trunk Club is a clothing service by Nordstrom. It’s free to sign up and there is no styling fee, which is my favorite thing. The way it works is after you sign up you have a stylist call or email you (your preference) and you sort of discuss your lifestyle, clothing style, etc. Then, whenever you are ready, you contact them and let them know you would like them to send you one. You can leave a note if you are needing something specific or have them just surprise you. It’s awesome and I started it because I get the worst anxiety when it comes to clothes shopping. Usually I end up in tears and hating myself and getting chocolate cake in the food court to make myself feel better. *ahem* I also have a VERY hard time spending any money on myself for clothes so I end up with a lot of poor quality clothes that only look okay on me. I really need to ‘grow up’ my wardrobe.

For this time around I requested some nice winter sweaters as well as high-waited jeans. It took me forever to figure out that my hips sit really high so while it looks as though I have love-handles, I actually don’t. (All that work in the gym….) If you ask my mother, she’ll tell you that she has pointed that out since my hips appeared but whatever…….she knows nothing. 😉

Anyways, here is my review of my trunk! I hope you enjoy it!

 

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I didn’t love this shirt until my best friend said she loved it on me. I was actually surprised I liked the pants on me! They fit really well, but unfortunately I don’t think I would ever wear them.

Verdict: Kept shirt, return pants

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I am in LOVE with this cardigan!! I didn’t like it in my preview but putting it on was great. It’s a wonderful colour and I always need cardigans. I also realllly like these pants, but if you look at my waist, it bothers me that they protrude. I think I need it taken it a bit at the waist. I am not sure I am sold on it yet, though.

Verdict: Kept cardigan, maybe on the jeans

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I am THRILLED she sent me Toms! I love them but have a hard time finding them in 9 wide. These fit perfectly.

Verdict: Kept.

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I was very surprised I like this dress thing. It’s a dress shirt dress and is button down all the way. I hated it until I put the belt on it. While I like it and I am glad she sent it, it doesn’t feel like me.

Verdict: Return

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I love this shirt but sadly I already have one exactly like it. I would have loved to keep it, but I can’t justify paying for it right now.

Verdict: Return

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These shoes are actually quite cute and comfortable, but once I put them on they felt very heavy. I think I would wear them in a softer color. The rust just isn’t for me.

Verdict: Return

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This shirt is amazing. I felt slim the second I put it on. I know I will wear this often in all seasons (maybe not summer) and the colour is great!!

Verdict: Kept

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Overall, I am quite happy with my Trunk! It’s a nice thing to get every so often when I have extra money on hand (yay tax returns!) I love my stylist and am very grateful I can do this. I also realize I should probably get a better mirror…….

Anyways, thanks for reading!

🙂

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Stuck on Numbers

I feel I am constantly being ruled by numbers. Between school grades and time and money, numbers seem to surround me and not in a good way. Numbers have made me become my own worst enemy. I will have days where I physically feel great about myself. I will love how I look and how my body is shaping up to be and then I will step on a scale and see 150lbs. Suddenly I am hit with a wave of disappointment and self-loathing. Where seconds before I was happy with my reflection I now see every inch of fat hanging on my body. Suddenly the time I spent in the gym or on the yoga mat doesn’t seem long enough. Suddenly I lose my appetite.

Why do I care what the scale says? I am actually probably in better shape than I have ever been. In high school I mostly ran with very little strength training. I did eat a decent diet due to my mother making healthy foods. I weighed roughly 120-125lbs and I not once felt bad about myself. I felt healthy and was okay with that. Then, after high school I moved away from the East Coast to the Midwest and kept up with cardio and diet, but nothing much. Then around the time I turned 19 I felt myself getting very sick. I didn’t realize it; I just thought constant fatigue and hunger were common. I didn’t think anything of it until I realized that summer I was standing at 5’6″ and 105lbs. Within about 5 months I randomly lost 20 pounds. I remember people commenting that I looked ‘gray’ and sick. I was feeling some abdominal pain but really didn’t pay attention to it.

One magical day I woke up and felt as though someone sent a thousand knives into my right side and I went to the ER. After spending several days there it was figured my gall bladder was the culprit and it was removed. The months following were a bit rough because I still felt sickly while I recovered and my diet was restricted so I stayed around 105-110.

By this time I was in school, met friends, met a guy, etc. I gradually gained back to a healthy weight of 130lbs and went back to the gym. I stayed happily at 130lbs for a year or two until stress got the best of me. And then honestly I have no idea what happened and how I ended up at 150lbs. I really don’t. Sure, part of it is muscle. Maybe 10lbs of it is muscle as I’ve concentrated more on that in the last few years. But I am beyond frustrated with myself. Over the last year and a half I have practiced Yoga a very minimum of 3 times a week, I eat healthy, I restrict my calories, and now in the last two months I have added cardio and weight lifting back in. My weight has been fluctuating between 145 and 150 the entire time. I am angry. I am tired of loving myself and then stepping on a scale and reading 150 and hating myself.

Why the hell does it matter what the scale says? I have no idea. What am I doing wrong that prevents my body from changing? I have no idea. My goal is not to figure out how to lose weight but to figure out how to accept myself as I am. I need to stop hating myself. I need to stop letting the weight I was in the past take over my current state of mind. I need to stop being frustrated….

 

 

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What’s in my Yoga bag?

Hello!

So I have had quite a few people ask me what I keep with me when I go to a yoga studio. It really depends, honestly, as if I’m feeling lazy I will literally just bring my yoga mat and wear my clothes. However, if I am going somewhere afterwards I will bring more essentials. So for your curiosity and enjoyment, here are the things that are most important for me! I have added their description below.

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  1. Affirmats! This is my favorite yoga mat! It has a great message on it and is very comfortable in all terrains. All of their mats are biodegradable, which makes them even better!
  2. My traveling yoga mat by Gaiam. I typically keep this in my car if I decide I want to do random yoga somewhere. I love taking it outside in the warmer months. It is also very handy during hot yoga.
  3. Under the Canopy. I love love love this blanket. I only use it for my yoga practice. Whether as a pillow for under my head, under my seat to open my hips more, it really is nice. And even better that it is made with organic cotton.
  4. Bhoga. I won this last year at a yoga giveaway and I was very confused by it at first but then I grew to love it! It’s a great yoga block and my hands no longer go numb when using a yoga block. Plus, they are really neat.
  5. Yoga strap! A definitely necessity for me as my shoulders and hips are still very tight. I am particular to Gaiam brand, but really anything will work. I love the extra length it allows me.
  6. Not necessarily yoga specific, but you must keep hydrated during Yoga and why not with BB-8?
  7. Erbaviva certainly has some of my favorite products. When I am going to a yoga class I usually use this grapefruit organic deodorant. I like it in public places because it doesn’t have a super strong scent, works very well, and actually moisturizes. Plus, who doesn’t want to smell citrus their entire practice? I highly recommend all of their products!
  8. Dolly Moo‘s facial moisturizing is hands down my favorite face product I’ve ever put on. I have very dry skin and it really keeps it moisturized without it feeling oily. Even better, it has eucalyptus oil in it so my face is extra tingly. I know a lot of people are worried it may make their oily skin even worse but I have been told by others that it rather neutralized their skin.
  9. If you haven’t heard of Norwex by now then let me enlighten you. They are a fantastic company who is trying to get harming cleaning chemicals out of your house while still maintaining a clean and sanitary household. My mother gifted me one of these makeup clothes (because I’m super lazy about taking off my makeup). At first I thought it was weird but I am in love with it! It’s especially nice for wiping my face after yoga so I am presentable to the world.

 

*Disclaimer: I am not in any way endorsed by these companies; I just love their products.

 

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Going Back

This semester for classes is kind of a strange one. The last two years my classes have been very heavily Science-y but this semester I decided to mix it up. I am taking Intro to Kinesiology, American History, Photography, and Voice Lessons. The first two are directly related to my degree but the latter are obviously as electives. I realized I had lost a huge part of me once I realized I wanted a bachelor’s degree in science. I felt I couldn’t be both an earth science person and an artsy person. I suddenly have two halves of me and could not find a cohabitation that worked well.

Music has always been a huge part of me. I loved all of the ensembles and singing opportunities throughout middle and high school, as well as a bit when I first started college. There was a time where I would constantly find myself singing our choir music and I loved it. There is a constant thrill of learning new sheet music, site reading it, and rehearsing it until it’s perfect (or at least until your choir director stops yelling at you).  The feeling you get when you have been working on a difficult piano section and your fingers finally land where they should. Nothing replaces that satisfaction I also dabbled in various arts and crafts, such as photography, painting, crocheting, and sewing. I always have a creative outlet.

For some reason once I made the mental switch to work towards a bachelor’s in science I felt I had to leave behind the creative part of me. Sure, I still play the piano and sing casually, but I was no longer involved in choirs or performances of any kind. Suddenly, I felt empty. I have still been happy with my yoga and with my gardening. I still love science, but I unknowingly sacrificed a huge part of my life. The part that made me who I am. I got in my mind that I can’t be good at a lot of things; I can’t have many passions.

So this semester I decided to change that and accept that I always have, and will, enjoy being a Jack-of-all-trades. It makes my life more interesting. I am taking photography, partially because I do need it for my career choice, but also to capture the art of the world. I am taking voice lessons to find my confidence again; to challenge my mind. I needed to reawaken my creative soul. So yes, I can happily say my hobbies include photography, yoga, gardening, singing, and piano and I am getting a bachelor’s degree in science. I no longer feel the need to have my two halves fighting. Instead, I will allow them to happily coexist and feed off the other.

Namaste!

 

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